Drinking the Kool-Aid

Our friends just had their first baby and their experience so far, from our limited perspective, seems to be much more difficult than most newly-minted parents. Like most of us, they are struggling through the exhaustion of caring for a newborn and the instantaneous identity change of becoming parents. Nothing quite prepares a new parent for the overnight transformation from being an independent individual with no major responsibilities into an adult in charge of keeping another human being alive. Parenting can be painfully tough. The labor and delivery process leaves you completely drained and you never fully recover from the sleep deprivation from the initiation of that first night. While the exhaustion and struggle during the first few months are hard for everyone, for most parents it is cushioned by the fact that they fall in love with their baby the moment they hold it that first time. Unfortunately, our friends didn’t experience that instant magic.

I conducted an informal survey of all my parent friends and concluded that most first-time parents hit a low point sometime during the first 6-8 weeks of their newborn’s life. My dark night of parenting came in the form of anger at 3:00 am when I couldn’t possibly fathom putting my exhausted, weary body through yet another round of excruciating breastfeeding. But even during those dark moments, I knew I loved Lennon dearly, and with a lot of swearing, a whole lot of crying, lots of Advil and a deep resolve to step up and embrace my role as a responsible mother, I had no doubt I could muscle through.

When our friend hit his lowest point, he called Scott up and accused us of “drinking the Kool-Aid.” In his eyes, we are the sheep who believe in the magic that is our children. While we are blinded by the preaching of the fanatic parents who say that rearing children is the best thing that ever happened to them, he is no fool. He was having a dark night of parenting magnified by some serious bonding issues. Apparently, in our few phone conversations before his wife gave birth, we spent more time talking about our immediate fascination with our kid’s toes instead of describing our feelings of inadequacy when we couldn’t figure out how to stop a crying jag. By leaving out the negative, we inadvertently helped to perpetuate his expectation that he would fall instantly in love with his daughter. Those first few months are scary, and I can only imagine how difficult they could be when compounded by the possibility of never feeling the love that we Kool-Aid drinkers keep talking about.

We talked about the Kool-Aid phenomenon with another friend who also had bonding issues when both of his daughters were born. He too, had felt trapped and angry. A needy blobby baby incapable of interaction at a basic level can wear down even the most resilient parents. But as he said, once you become a parent, it becomes imperative that you drink the Kool-Aid. There is no going back to the carefree lifestyle you had before. Of course you could leave, but as a marked individual who carries a heavy weight of shame. People don’t forgive those who walk away from the responsibility of parenthood.

Last Wednesday evening we went to the Farmer’s Market to buy our usual fare of summer basil and warm peaches. With bouncy houses on the mind, Lennon was in shiny golden-child mode. After a stroll through the vendors we headed over to the row of inflatables for a bit of fun. While waiting for Lennon to finish up, Calla noticed the merry-go-round was running and wanted to take a ride. I strapped her on to a painted wooden cow and while she circled around, I stood behind the bars and watched her face. She radiated a happiness that was infectious and tangible. There she sat, upright and holding tightly to the pole, yelling “Hi Momma!” each time she circled around. And at that moment there was no other place in the world I wanted to be than watching her discover pure joy.

I have thought quite a bit about this notion of drinking the Kool-Aid and came to the realization that Kool-Aid comes concentrated but is intended to be diluted to taste. You can drink it strong and straight and give yourself a sugar high that compels you to tell complete strangers that “parenting is the best thing that ever happened” to you and that your “life is positively perfect and your kids are angels.” Or you can drink a diluted version that satisfies your thirst but doesn’t always taste great depending on the flavor. Scott and I drank the latter version; our friend was under the assumption we drank the former.

Sometimes it feels like the tedium of parenting outweighs the joy. I have good days and bad days. I am positive and negative. I falter plenty, especially when it comes to parenting. I know who I am, and I have traveled a long journey to this place of understanding. On those nights when I have the pleasure of watching my kid find delight on a merry-go-round ride and she thanks me with a smile and hug after the ride is over, well, that is enough to refuel my tired limbs and make me feel like a mommy hero. And yes, my friend was right; I drank the Kool-Aid. Sometimes it makes me feel sick; other times it gives me a crazy high. I can’t possibly imagine drinking any other elixir.

As my friend’s daughter develops into a little human being, I expect him to grow to love her with the same fierceness that I feel for my kids. While the exhaustion, helplessness and identity crisis of having a child shocked his system a bit harder than the rest of us, I have experienced and witnessed his capabilities for love. I expect no less from him with his own child. I don’t doubt he too will succumb to the drink, eventually.

Since we are on the topic of tasty drinks that can leave you happy or hurting depending on the ingredients added, below is Scott’s recipe for Limeade.

Limeade
-Go to Costco or your favorite grocery store and buy a five pound bag of limes
-Juice them into a measuring cup
-Measure out the sugar at a 1:1 ratio (example: if you have three cups of lime juice, use three cups of sugar). Organic sugar is best, of course.
-In a saucepan, dissolve the sugar at a 1:1 ratio with water. Using a whisk will help the sugar dissolve faster.
-Mix the sugar water in with the lime juice.
-Dilute the sweetened lime juice into cold water (use bubbly for some kick). We use about a 4:1 ratio of water to juice but you can adjust it to your taste.
-Or use the lime mixture as a base for margaritas. A little splash of tequila can help mellow even the worst case of frayed nerves.